*Crosses Fingers*

That my application to work in the Control Room of Spa Town Police is successful. And after wondering if crossed fingers wouldn't be enough, I took myself along to speak to somebody in the local station who was extremely helpful & also said that if the Control Room wasn't an option, then maybe go for a Contact Centre place & work my way up.

So, here's hoping!

Apart from that little bit of news, there's been a lot of other stuff going on. Some of it rubbish but a lot of it good.

When the internet access is permanent I might explain about the WHSmith incident....

In the meantime, it's a shame MetCountyMounty has (understandably) decided to leave the scene & I hope not too many others feel pressured to do the same.
For what it's worth, I never was a fan of The Times. It reminds me of a certain chinless wonder who thought it was the only paper worth reading. Then again, he also thought it acceptable to grab womens' crotches & not to refer to someone he saw as 'below' him by name, but by a click of the fingers or "You, come here".
His outer appearance was all very correct & proper but inside, he lacked depth & any sort of standards or decency. Very much like his chosen reading material in fact......

Lost In Translation

It appears my sister is a bit on the dense side. Or maybe more than 'a bit' & more like 'quite a lot'!
This is the (recently turned) 18 year old sister.

A few weeks ago she told me she wanted to buy some of this bread she'd tried & the conversation went like this;

Strop; I had this lush bread the other day. I'm going to buy some.

Me; Oh, what bread was it?

Strop; Ermmm, panny bread I think it is? Yeah, definitely panny bread.

Me; What bread?

Strop; Panny bread. Haven't you heard of it?

Me; Erm, no.

Strop; Yeah, you know! That bread that they make those sandwiches with in Subway? They do the sandwich & then they grill it.

Me; OH! You mean Panini?!

Strop; Oh, is it called Panini?! I wondered why the Subway man gave me a funny look when I got my lunch the other day.

Me; *shakes head & grins* And Strop, Panini isn't a type of a bread, it's a grilled sandwich. You need Ciabatta bread.

I mean honestly, panny bread!
And that's not all sadly... She came into my room earlier & was very adamant that she wanted to buy some peripherals.....

Strop; I'm going to Asda next week. Will you come?

Me; I don't know. Maybe.

Strop; I really want to go, please come? Anyway, they've got peripherals for a pound a box.

Me; Peripherals? *confused look*

Strop; Yeah, you know those things that are filled with cream?

Me; ????

Strop; Oh you know! They're little balls that are filled with cream & they've got chocolate caps on?

Me; You mean Profiteroles?

Strop; Oh. Well the lady on the advert called them peripherals!

Me; *stops giggling* I'm sure she didn't Strop. I think it's more like your 'problem' rearing it's head again.... She's hardly likely to call Profiteroles 'peripherals' now is she? Especially on National TV.

Strop; She might! *goes red & laughs like a hyena*


I don't know if this problem of hers is exclusive to Foriegn food or just food in general but I am not going grocery shopping with her!

*Gag*

I have quite a few bugbears but poor personal hygiene is one of the biggest. Especially when it's as warm as it has been lately.

I had to get the bus in to town yesterday & it was breezy but still rather warm, & warmer still on the bus.
A few minutes in to the journey this humongous woman got on with her partner & little girl. Now, when I say humongous I mean HUGE! She took up more than half of one of the double seats & of course, decided to sit in front of me (I swear these people do it on purpose.).

The second she sat down my nostrils were assaulted with a vile, stale smell. What I call a 'beddy' smell. Really nasty.
Not only was she giving off this disgusting smell but to aid matters, she was wearing a thick cardi type jumper. Why?! In this weather!

And then I noticed her hair..... By this point I was trying to avoid breathing as much as possible because it was making me gag. There was nowhere else to sit as most of the seats were taken up & I didn't want to jump from the frying pan in to the fire.....

Anyway, her hair.... It was patently obvious it hadn't been washed in at least three days. It was lank & greasy at the roots & you could see the rest of the longer strands beginning to stick together with the grease. Disgusting.
Her skin was all greasy & spotty & she just looked grimy.

I realise we aren't in the strongest of financial times & I realise there are a lot of people stretched for cash. But that still doesn't give you an excuse to be dirty!

At my local supermarket, the shampoo, conditioner & shower gel in their budget range cost around 17p - 29p a bottle. This means you can have all the basics for less than £1.00 & under £2.00 if you include face wash & body puff.

So that means the initial outlay would be around £2.00 with an ongoing monthly cost of about 95p if you stuck to the budget range. So no matter if she was superbly stretched for money, everyone can afford that a month.

So why on earth go around smelling like a tramp?! It is just disgusting. Why don't people bother?! I wouldn't come downstairs looking like that let alone go out looking & smelling like that!

Even if her shower was broken or she had no water, I'm sure she has friends & relatives.

It is just so foul & unecessary.

Rant over..... I just don't at all understand people who let their personal hygiene go. It's disgusting.

I feel like I'm turning into a whingeing old woman but honestly, it wasn't pleasant....

Well Hello!

If anyone still reads this after an absence of posts for 11 weeks *blush*.
Why the absence? I'm not sure really. I've been fine in myself but there's an awful lot going on & trying to sort my life out is feeling like a constant uphill struggle & I just haven't felt like blogging. I'm sure the internet is eternally grateful at having an 11 week break from my clutter & chaos! Lol.

Rather than do one huge post I'll do a brief one filled with all the recent news.

1. I am an Auntie to a baby boy. Baby J came into the world on the 01/03/2009 weighing just over 6lb. He is absolutely adorable & I've already been browsing the baby section in shops. It's making me broody!

2. The friend who wanted more from me than friendship has dropped me like a red hot brick. I was completely upfront with him & explained I just didn't have those feelings for him & was very unlikely to. He said he was down my way for a week & did I want to go for coffee, I was busy so declined.
He then asked me a few days later if I wanted to be his +1 at his friend's wedding. The wedding I'd already specifically stated I would not attend with him.
I explained that with how he felt about me & me wanting to keep the friendship strictly platonic, that I wouldn't be able to go along with him.
His friends are not friends of mine, I've barely said hello to the groom & less to the rest of them. If I've met them at all.
I just told him that I didn't think it was appropriate after the way I'd explained how I wouldn't feel about him & that a wedding is something that when you have a +1, it should either be your girlfriend or friends of the bride or groom. Of which I am niether.
I haven't heard anything from him since & this was over 10 weeks ago. I obviously did not mean that much to him!
I'm glad I no longer have to keep wriggling out of things but it would have been nice for him to at least say something before disappearing off of the radar. I just hope he is OK & he hasn't got his old demons perching on his shoulder again.

3. I have started riding again! It's sporadic at the moment as I can't actually afford proper lessons so I am begging, borrowing or stealing rides from friends' horses. It felt absolutely fantastic, it was only when I was saddling up the horse that I really realised how much I have missed riding. I kept getting little fluttery bursts of excitement & had a constant grin on my face.
I paid for it in as much as I was walking like John Wayne the next day as due to my lack of riding, all of my riding muscles had gone back to sleep & were awoken with a severe jolt the other day!
It was absolutely amazing though, like actually seeing things properly again. That familiar smell of horse, the familiar sensation of the saddle & the horse's movement beneath me. The mouthing of the bit & seeing the pricked ears in front of me, flicking back to catch my voice & feeling the horse react to my commands.
Just like putting on a comfy pair of slippers after wearing shoes that are OK, but not quite right for your feet. Fantastic.

4. Hayfever! I've been congested for the last 8 weeks or so now. It seems to be starting earlier every year & my symptoms seem to be getting worse as each year goes by. My eyes are watery & randomly sting like mad, they're red & puffy most mornings & sometimes, during the day. I'm also sneezing lots.
Nightmare. Superdrug have a buy 1 get 1 free offer on Clarityn so I shall be stocking up on that for now. If it gets much worse at the height of the Summer I think I shall see the doctor about it.

5. The rabble went away for two weeks to stay in a villa in Spain. A friend of the family lives out there & invited everyone out for two weeks.
I stayed, partly because I liked the idea of the peace & quiet of the house to myself & partly because Sam needed looking after. It would have really upset him going into kennels I think.
Anyway, having that two weeks to myself & then having everyone back has made me realise just how desperately I want to move out.
It's a well known but unspoken truth that I do not live up to my mother's standards or ideas of what an ideal daughter should be. I believe in God but I choose not to follow the religion the rest of my family follows, I think it would be extremely hypocritical to follow a religion just so it makes someone else happy & keeps the peace. I am not a hypocrite.
I dress wrongly, I keep less than ideal company in my mother's eyes, I read the wrong stuff (Glamour magazine is apparently, pornographic) I like the wrong TV programmes, I have the wrong opinions & I have the wrong views in life. I'm aiming for the wrong things in life, I shouldn't be having boyfriends, I shouldn't be wearing mini skirts or even slightly revealing tops. I shouldn't flirt & I'm the wrong weight. My sisters look better in my clothes than I do, they're better looking, they're more elegant & sophisticated. I have too high an opinion of myself & I'm nothing special.
I'm weak & two faced apparently. I'm also a tart & a slapper.

The truth is, I'm none of the above but this has all been said, & more, in the last few years & I've gone past ignoring it, past trying to understand, past picking myself apart over every single comment, past the tears, past the anger, past the gut wrenchingly sick feelings every time she says something to put me down, past standing in front of the mirror & trying to see what she sees in me, past trying to make myself perfect in her eyes, past caring what she actually thinks anymore because no matter what I do or what I change about me, it's never good enough. I know I'm none of what she says, I know deep down I'm nothing like it but at the time it's said & for a long while after, it doesn't stop it cutting deep & stinging for weeks afterwards.
It's starting to make me depressed. I'm losing the fight I have & something needs to be done so towarsds the end of the year, I'm planning on moving out. Either a 1 bedroomed flat or a bedsit. And if I have no job still by then which I dearly hope is not the case, but if I do I'm going to do something I swore I wouldn't because it makes me feel such a scavenger.
I will claim housing benefit & any other benefit I can because I can't live any longer with the almost daily put downs & the constant feeling & knowledge that compared to my sisters, I just don't measue up.

6. My best friend in the whole wide worls is moving to Newport. It's an only an hour away by train but that's not the same as being five minutes down the road. I'll miss her like crazy. We are almost a carbon copy of each other & in the years we've been friends, we've never ever had one cross word let alone a falling out or argument. She is one of those friends that only come along once in a lifetime. No matter how rubbish I feel about myself or whatever problems I'm having, she's there for me without fail and it's the same with me when she's having a rough time.
I can laugh until I cry with her, I can talk to her about anything in the world & I know it won't go any further. I can sit & chat with her for three hours & it feels like 30 minutes.
And I know she's only on the other end of the telephone & Newport is hardly Australia but it's still going to be horrible when she leaves. I shall have to bulk buy some Kleenex!

7. he Summer is here! I may even get to work on having a tan this year. I say 'tan' but the deepest coulour I go is a pale gold so hardly what you can call a tan. But still, I love the sunshine & it's nice to see the back of the grey skies :o)

8. Ashes To Ashes is back & I am a very happy bunny about that :o)

9. This was supposed to be a brief & short post! Never mind, at least it's off my chest & a bit clearer in my head. There will be more concise posts to follow but in the meantime, I hope everyone reading this is well & happy :o)

10. I have applied for four jobs. Keep your fingers crossed for me! ;o)

xxx

Fingers Crossed

My job prospects at the moment are dismal. I am getting nowhere & I am sick & tired of applying for jobs, knowing I could do them but being turned down. I have come to the conclusion that the biggest reason for this is a few large gaps in my employment history from the age of 17 to now. People want to know why & once I explain it was due to health issues that no longer affect me, they seem to get it lodged in their head that I will not be a viable option in their company. Which maddens me. They don't actually say that is why but they know & I know that that is the reason I am getting turned down for work. I am absolutely sick of having nothing to do apart from fill my time with ordianry daily stuff. Even hobbies get wearing if they're all you have to do.

How on earth people can remain unemployed & enjoy dossing off of the state rather than making efforts to get into work, I really do not know.

The Jobcentre is worse than useless & I am sure it is there for appearances only.

I could go to college but I don't want to spend time there on a course that I am only going to do to fill my time, gain a qualification or certificate at the end of it that I neither need or want & have the knowledge that completing a college course was a complete waste of my time.

So, I have set my thoughts on doing some voluntary work. Ultimately, I want to work for the Police Force in some capacity & so I'm aiming on volunteering for projects & charities that will help me with that aim.

So far the charities/organisations I've come up with are;

Womens Aid.

Citizens Advice Bureau.

Rape Crisis.

Gloucestershire Youth Offending Team.

They're all pretty challenging, I know that. And I don't know if I'd actually be any use or help but I can at least try & find out. They're all things I feel quite strongly about & all things I'd love to help with. I know it won't change the world but even small changes are good so if I can help with that, I'll be happy.
Although I don't know if I'd be any good I'm pretty sure that emotionally, I'd be able to stand up to it. I know I'm a good listener & I know that I'm objective with things & I have the ability to see things from both sides but also, to remain neutral. I know I can remain controlled in situations & it takes a lot for me to get heated or wound up. That's the basics covered at least.


Womens Aid - I feel strongly about domestic violence & I'd love to think I was doing something to help with or prevent it. The only thing with it is I'm not sure how suitable I'd be or whether I'd actually be any good at it.

Citizens Advice Bureau - A bit of everything & they do a scheme for 16-25 year old volunteers. It isn't my first choice but I'd be happy doing it.

Rape Crisis - One of my top two choices. A really difficult subject but from what they say they require of volunteers, something which I think I could handle. The biggest concern of mine would be that I'd be absolutely useless and of no help at all but they do provide you with training (obviously) so I am guessing that would go a long way towards helping you deal with situations in the right way.
I'd just be worried that someone would call & I'd either say the wrong thing or they went away feeling the same or worse than before they called. I'd hate that.
But I'm certain that they wouldn't throw their volunteers in head first to sink or swim when it's such an emotive subject to deal with.

Youth Offending Team - Along with Rape Crisis, my top choice. It would open my eyes to a lot & I'll probably become quite cynical but alos, the idea of it really appeals to me. I've even gone so far as to track down one of their contacts & asked a friend to help me compose an email to them.
I have the choice of phoning or emailing & I think I'd come across better if I emailed. I really would love the opportunity to do it & so I'd get flustered on the phone which probably isn't the best image to put across!



Rape Crisis require 2-12 hours per week from their volunteers & some groups ask for a minimum of six months voluntary work. Which is fine as even if I took on a full time job, I could still manage 2 - 5 hours per week.

Youth Offending Team seems to be more complex in that there are different avenues to go down so I need to ask a lot of questions about it but I am really keen to give it a go. It really does appeal to me.
And no, I am under no illusion that they will all be misunderstood cherubs who got in with the wrong crowd but at the same time, I'm pretty sure they won't all turn out to be wannabe crims-for-life either.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me please.
And keep them crossed harder than you all did when I winged my Police Application in, because look what happened there!
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Madness

It's just happens to be the crazy little thing that is the bane of my life. More so this week than ever before.

I have a friend, I've been friends with him for about 3ish years now & throughout that time he has made it plain he'd quite like more than friendship, while I've made it plain I want nothing more than friendship. It was one of those things that was fairly easy to bat off, he'd flirt, drop hints & then ask me out. I'd ignore all efforts of flirting, play dumb at the hints & refuse his offers of a date.

At least by being like that, I figured there would be no mixed messages, no awkward moments & hopefully, no damage to the friendship. If he wasn't a good friend I'd have told him to jog on. As it is, he is a good friend & I don't have the heart to be harsh.

I am a very playful & natural flirt, to the point where I don't even realise I am flirting at times so I've made a big & concentrated effort not to flirt with him so nothing can be taken the wrong way. This is much harder than it sounds for me as my nature is programmed to be cheery, flirty & cheeky.

This was all ok until last year when he went off the radar. He went from being in touch quite regularly to nothing at all. Understandably, I was quite worried as when a friend just goes quiet, you tend to start wondering things. Anyway, I text him & sent a message on MSN as well as an email over a period of a few months to see if he was ok. No answer. So I took the hint & left it.

Out of the blue, over New Year I get a text from him wishing me happy new year & apologising for the disappearing act. I asked him what had been wrong & it came out that he'd got quite seriously depressed. That really isn't good & I was really worried about him but he has assured me that he's fine now & it's sorted. He's still on medication but the thing that was making him depressed is now no longer around so he's back at university etc.

The thing is now, the flirting thing has started up again & seems to have gone from hopeful flirting to a declaration of love.

This is not good. God knows how long he spent typing out what he text me, I wouldn't be surprised if he had RSI at the end of it but this is what arrived in my text inbox the other day.....

"I can't understand why you're single or how any man could have you & then let you go again. I'd give anything to have that with you & I don't know if you'll ever have those sort of feelings for me. It's unfair of me to ask you if you think that's possible but I want you to know that I love you. I'm in love with you & I have been for the past three years. You're all I want in a woman. You're stunningly pretty, you have the whole package, the looks, the personality & the humour. You're everything I dream of & I'd do anything to have you fall in love with me. You're all I think about. I've thought about this & if I had the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with you, I'd be the happiest man in the world & I wouldn't hesitate to ask for your hand in marriage."


My initial reaction was to read it & then think "F^&k". The best I could do was text him back three hours later & jokingly say he was looking through rose tinted spectacles & was silly for thinking what he did. I realise that's probably not the most stunning plan of action but it was the best I could come up with at the time......

It's not that there's anything wrong with the guy.... He's 27, good career plans, not a waster, kind, generous, caring & a heart of gold. He is absolutely lovely. But I am not attracted to him in any way. It would be like kissing my brother to kiss him. IE; It wouldn't even enter my head. There is absolutely nothing there on my part. But for some incomprehensible reason, he has always had a thing for me.

I've said that I don't feel there is anything there to base a relationship on, that we're much better as friends etc etc etc. But he just comes back with ways around the obstacles I put in his path.

I did eventually properly reply to the text saying that at the moment, I don't feel anywhere near ready for a relationship & I don't need the hassle of one but that is wrong in that if the right guy came along, I'd consider it.
And if I do end up seeing someone, well, he's going to know the excuse I provided was a pack of lies.

He seems to think that all I need is time & eventually, I'll see that he is the perfect man for me.
Except he isn't.

He thinks if he buys me stuff it'll prove how much he likes me (I told him straight to not even try that as I'd never talk to him again. Again, not the most genius of replies but I didn't want him buying anything for me thinking it would change my mind.)


I can't be blunt with him. When I'm blunt, I really am blunt & I don't want to hurt him. But at the same time, I don't want to give him any hope that something may happen in the future because it absolutely won't.

I've tried burying my head in the sand but that makes him more insistent so that obviously isn't the way to go.

I've tried skirting around the issue but then he just tries to persuade me otherwise.




This isn't how it's supposed to be!!! It's not in the rule book. Your friends are not supposed to fall in love with you. Friends are there to get you through the bad times & be ribbed on every possible occasion, not to live happily ever after with.

The man who tells me he's in love with me & wants to marry me should be the man I want to hear it from, not a friend I feel nothing beyond friendship for!

I have a creeping feeling that I am either going to have to be (gently) blunt with him or end the friendship because I really can't stand being told by him that I'm this, that or the other at least once weekly.

As I said, if he hadn't had the problems he'd had last year then I'd feel ok telling him there is not a cat in hells chance of him ever being more than a friend. But I really don't feel I can do that.

If he was a twat, I'd feel quite happy saying that & purposely being a bit vicious but he isn't a twat. He's lovely.

It would be like kicking a puppy.

Shiny New Things

I was very restrained in the sales this year (this is more due to being broke than actual choice....) My lovely nana gave me £30.00 after Christmas. I could have spent it on something sensible or kept it for a rainy day but neither of those is very much fun & if I can't be reckless with money at 23 when I have no responsibilities then it's all a bit pathetic.

So, rather than keep the £30.00 I went straight to the ASOS website & blew it on this tailcoat that I've had my eye on since it first appeared. I couldn't afford it full price & when it down to half price, & was still in stock in my size then in my mind, that is fate.


Front view of beautiful, lovely tail coat;



Back view of beautiful, lovely tail coat;




And it definitely was fate because when I tried it on, the tails weren't too long, the sleeves didn't swamp me & it actually fits properly around the bust. Miracles will never cease!

I also got these;







And this;




Oh, and some violet tights. Which surprisingly, look far better than they sound!

The berets were cheap & the silk blouse was a bargain.

When I tried the tail coat on my mother teasingly remarked that I should stop taking style notes from Sweeney Todd. Which I thought was a massive cheek!

Anyway, I have made a definite plan to go to London to celebrate New Year next year. I know I've been saying this for the past three years but this year is going to be different & I will get there come what may.

I even have the outfit I'm going to wear planned......

Tail coat, grey skinny jeans, the silk blouse above, Victorian style lace up knee boots and a silk top hat. I still badly want the silk top hat. And it looks like a good condition one will cost about £80.00. I have 11 months or thereabouts to save up, it's definitely do-able & I am definitely going to get one.

:o)

Awwww!

It was absolutely freezing here last week. I woke up to snow on Monday morning & it didn't shift until Wednesday time. Most nights last week hit -10 with the warmest being -8/-9 I think. It was very, very cold & for me to say that, it must have been bad as I don't feel the cold.

Anyway, I was speaking to a friend about this early part of last week & what arrived in the post a few days later?

This;


A fluffy hot water bottle cover! Complete with teddy bear. Lol.

I have to say, I was very surprised as for a man, that is quite a thoughtful & relevant gift. And it was a really, really, sweet thing to do.

And I love it :o)

The only problem is, I now have to watch where I leave it as Sam is intent on trying to 'kill' it....

I'm not sure that's better or worse than my sisters trying to 'borrow' it at every opportunity!

Clean Slate

Well, first post of 2009 & that's another year gone. And it's gone scarily fast really.
I for one am glad to see the back of 2008, it was a bit of a crappy year one way & another & I feel as if it's a year of my life wasted.
I didn't achieve anything & I feel like 2008 slipped through my fingers.
The first six months were the worst I've ever had I think. I came within millimetres of dying in January & spent February, March & the best part of April getting over that. During April I had the operation done that should have been completed in January which meant another month/two months getting myself properly up & running again.

I finished with Mr. S which I didn't foresee at all. Half of me still wanted the relationship & the other half of me was screaming that it wasn't right anymore & something had to be done. And although I knew it was the right thing to do it didn't make it any easier to actually face him & say that things were over.
I guess we could have carried on but if I'd done that I'd have ended up hurting him & resenting him & that was neither fair nor right.

As for the last six months of the year? They've been a something & nothing really. It just seemed like one thing after another went wrong in the beginning half of the year & it's taken the last half of it for me to get over it all & feel like myself again. In the great scheme of things it isn't much but the fact it all came out of the blue & was stuff that I hadn't even thought about knocked me sideways a little bit.

On the plus side, I am looking forward to 2009. I've sorted things in my head about my dad & decided the best thing is not to have any contact with him. At least not in the immediate future.
The jobhunting is just not happening.
I'm getting nowhere with things despite applying for loads of stuff. Maybe I need to change my deodourant?!
Until something comes along I've decided to do some voluntary work, maybe with children or young adults. Or a women's refuge or similar. I need to look into it properly but whatever, it's better than going to college to kill time & get a piece of paper at the end of a course that I don't need or want.

I still want to work for the police in some capacity or other but at the moment, it's not top of my priorities but more of a goal to work towards.

As for the baby brother getting a random girl up the duff....
I may or may not be an Aunt in '09 but at least he has decided to get a DNA test as soon as the baby comes into the world. Classy.
Still, at least if I do become an Aunt the baby will have great guidance on all things fashion, horses & music ;o)

There isn't much more to say really other than that I feel far more positive about things as of January 2009 than I have done in the past year!

It's Christmas!

Well, the silence had to be broken at some point. Lack of posting has been down to various things. Namely lack of computer use & the fact I haven't had much to say about anything in particular which has even surprised me!

Seeing as I probably won't be online much for the next few weeks or so I'll take my chance now to wish you all a fab Christmas & New Year. For those who are out working over the holidays, enjoy it & if you can't enjoy it, at least stay safe & (reasonably) warm :o)

To quote part of one of my favourite songs;

"I wish you a hopeful christmas
I wish you a brave new year
All anguish pain and sadness
Leave your heart and let your road be clear"


xx